21.5 Things that Piss Us Off (UK Edition)

There are many things that piss us off here in the UK. We’ve spent a good amount of time trying to list the top 20 things that we find annoying.

The Jeremy Kyle Show

This show completely revolves around Jeremy Kyle and generally highlights the scum of Britain. We now have what is described as a “Jeremy Kyle” generation, apparently.

Judge Alan Berg seems to have the right idea:

“It seems to me that the purpose of this show is to effect a morbid and depressing display of dysfunctional people whose lives are in turmoil.”

- Judge Alan Berg

The Jelly in Pork Pies

After taking a bite into what you believe to be a tasty pork pie, you’re confronted with a barrage of gooey gelatine. Its cold, slimy and no one needs it. Sod the preserving properties of the jelly, it’s just wrong.

Metro Sexuals

Ah yes, not your average Joe. When you walk into a bar and see a man who’s more groomed than the women, you’re never quite sure of the disposition involved. Our advice, steer well clear unless absolutely sure.

Ticket Barriers at Train Stations

This one really gets on our nerves. When we’ve already had our tickets checked on the train, we then have to present them before we’re allowed out of the station! Not only that, if you’re late for a train, you have to fight through the queue to try and get to a machine to let you into the station!

As sods law states, the one time you can’t find your train ticket will be when you need to get through the barriers in a hurry. These barriers cause havoc in the mornings as business people rush to work and students mope to college.

Packaging on Bacon

It’s hard enough waking up in the morning without having to fight with the bacon packaging. No matter what type of packaging, plastic box things or vacuum pack, its guaranteed to cause frustration, especially when you can’t find any scissors.

Blokes Wearing Skinny Jeans

Whats the best way to make people question your manhood? The answer is to advertise that you have no leg muscles by wear skinny jeans. Why would anyone think they look good showing off their twig legs to the world?

If there was one thing I would ban men from wearing, its skinny jeans! In fact, how about a “skinny jeans free day!”, facebook group anyone?

Accidentally Clicking a PDF

You’re casually browsing Google search results and click on an interesting looking link. Something happens, your browser stops working. You realise what has happened, you’ve accidentally clicked on a PDF and and opened Adobe Acrobat. Its like the end of the world. You vow to always check whether its a PDF in future.

The O.C. Culture

Where to begin, we just hate it so much. The fact that people think that that’s what life in California is about is simply ridiculous. Even though we’ve never been ourselves, it can’t be that pathetic. No one wants to hear about teen angst on such a massive scale.

Jehovah’s Witnesses

This was the following conversation I had when I was awoken from my hangover slumber by what I thought were two politicians.

“Hello”

“Hello there, how do you think the country is being run?”

“Err, I think it’s being run OK, but I don’t tend to follow it.”

“Do you think you should? Wouldn’t it be better if you were to take interest in how things are run?”

“Doesn’t really bother me, as long as everything is going smoothly and everything.”

“Do you think God would do better?”

“You can **** my **** if you think that God can do better, bugger off and leave me alone!”

(Ok, so that last line isn’t true)

Ah balls, how did I not notice they were Jehovah’s Witnesses! The conversation continued from here, and I had to answer many questions about gravity and how they can’t explain it. If I hadn’t have been hungover I would have invited them in to do some Googling with me, and ask them to explain why I have to die if I need a blood transfusion.

Fat Girls showing Too Much

I mean, not trying to be offensive or anything, but there isn’t much worse than a fat girl who thinks they look good sporting a crop top, mini-skirt a thong.

The image of this is implanted in your mind for at least the next 5 minutes whilst you try to process what you’ve just witnessed.

Turning the Shower Off

We certainly hate this one. Its the thought of turning the shower off in winter, knowing that it’ll get cold very soon after the flow of steamy hot water stops.

This effect can be reduced by not being tired, but as most of us know, thats the normal situation. The only solution to this (that we’ve found) is to not shower in winter. Unfortunately the side effects of this one are obvious. Feel free to try it though, send in pictures!

Public School Kids

Do we really want mobile phone, music-playing, train seat-taking public school kids running the country? Do we need to say more? Yes, we do need to say more. Perhaps we could put them all into an intellectual box, only letting them out behind the safety net of their 4×4 Volvos.

Oh gosh, I’m terribly sorry about this rotten post. I revoke my opinion immediately!

Stupid Looking Cars

Ok, we could go on listing these forever, however we’ll narrow things down to the crème of crap:

• Fiat Multipla: Yuk yuk yuk. What were they thinking? “Let’s just weld a small car on top of a big car, add some van seats and see what happens.” Please get them off the roads now. Think of the children.
• Chrysler PT Cruiser: Aweful looking, aweful performing, viletastic school-run-mobile. Lets get a minging looking car and then fit it with the worst performing engine money can buy so that you can’t escape when passersby are laughing at you for your stupidity. Would be better crushed into a cube (preferably with the school run mother and children still inside) and would certainly be a bit less obtrusive on the road.
• Smart Car: Not at all smart.

Two adverts per Half Hour

A clever marketing strategy to fit in 2 bouts of adverts in one half hour show! They taste you with 7.5 mins of Scrubs, then give you a good advert dose, then another 15 mins and another dose of adverts! This is unacceptable! Even though I will have seen the ending before and can probably recite the script, I still have to wait to watch the last 2 mins of show!

White Gangsta Bois

Tim Westwood, say more? Blod, brap brap, innit?

Westwood, who was recently described in People magazine as “a total fucking joke”, had this to say about his new venture: “Eeeh it’s ya bwoi Westwood ‘ere wit da finest honeys in London ready to be maxin’ out on the d-low wit ya bwoi Westwood til the break of dawn, cos I be pimpin it like fresh toast bringin it to ya with tha Big Dawg flava. Holla!”

- Unknown Author

Fuel Duty

Why should we pay £1.10 for something that should only be 30p. Oh, and if anyone starts going into debates about “green taxation”, they can go carefully place it where the sun don’t shine. By that I mean under the smog cloud created from all of the fumes.

“100 Greatest …” Programs

The most awful way to waste 3 - 4 hours. If you can remember, just record the last 3 and be done with it. How about, the 100 greatest mass murderers?

Alternatively, only turn Channel 4 on for Simpsons and Scrubs.

Apple Aficionados

Walking around with their iPods and playing with their Mac things everywhere they can go. In fact, this goes for Linux, Windows… To round things up, we can’t stand nerds that advertise themselves!

Down with the Kids Politicians

What isn’t to hate about David Cameron. I’m don’t tend to follow the politics in detail, but I do know that I can’t stand this guy…

“You have to wonder about a man who surrounds himself with so many people who went to the same school. I’m pretty sure I don’t want 21st-century Britain run by people who went to just one school.”

- Hazel Blears

Internet “spk” in “RL”

Lol, people who say lol in RL (real life) are lol. Theres nothing more annoying than hearing a distance shout of LOL. You know exactly the type of person who it’s coming from

The UK Condom Adverts

Desperate efforts to “make condoms cool” using hip, large and radical chavs.
“Can I have that condom you borrowed last night?”
“No mate”
“Why, did you eat it?”
“No I used it!”
“No way, well done old chap, hats off to you. A jolly spiffing use of your rubber! However, I want that £3 back!”

21.5 - Stupid Lists of Things!

Yes, we’ve come to the last item on this list of Things that Piss Us Off (UK Edition). We understand that we’re shooting ourselves in the foot with this one, but it’s true. The “list” culture is very much like the “100 Greatest… Programs” item. DO SOMETHING NEW!