A Word From Ben

Wup, tis Ben. Have to say that I’m loving this spankin’ new blog layout, big respectz to Woolie my chumette, it looks big-up classy like.

And stopping the retarded chav talk…

…now.

Anyway, its half term (w00t), so I’m finally getting round to making a blog post thats longer than 3 lines and doesn’t involve removing shite from Woolie’s face.

[insert horribly long pause here]

Anyway getting to the point of it all, I’ve been learning how to drive Now this is the joyful experience of kangerooing a small hatchback car around a carpark, being constantly reminded how useless I am and how I will never amount to anything. This is just fine by me, I can sit there thinking how large a spoiler I will be able to mount on the back, and whether or not the skull gear knob should have glowing red LEDs. As I said, enjoyable. However, some wanker-bastardface-shit just threw a 500 page “LEARN ABOUT YOUR THEORY TEST TODAY ZOMG” book at me and said, learn this. I’m not amused.

Ok, maybe a little bit of theory on how to pull off the best dohnut or burnout would be a good idea, or maybe something on the best choice of music for scaring old ladies. It would all be useful stuff in todays “Smack your bitch up” driving style sort of a world, and I for one would love to be tested on it. But no, instead I’m being preached to about how Blind and Deaf (how fucking unlucky are they!) people use white sticks with a red band on them and that I should, “be patient” and “give them more room” when they wish to cross in front of me. BLIND AND DEAF PEOPLE SHOULD NOT BE CROSSING THE ROAD! ITS DANGEROUS OUT THERE! WHY DO I NEED TO BE LEARNING THIS! DO I ACTUALLY LOOK RETARDED TO YOU!!!

*ahem*

So obviously, I’m approaching this with my utmost enthusiasm, and thought I’d share some of this vital (slightly adapted) road knowledge that is so critical to driving:

Question 1

After an accident, someone is unconcious in their vehicle. When should you call the emergency services?

a) Only as a last resort

b) As soon as possible

c) After you have poked them

d) When you get back the following morning after staggering home from the pub

Answer : Cheese it, you call the filth and they will find the 5 kilos of white in the spare tyre, your “bruv” will clean this up for you later. If you have a phone call Vinnie and start making excuses.

Question 2

What does this sign mean:

a) Quayside or Riverbank

b) Steep hill

c) Amphibious Vehicles welcomed

d) Thieves operating in the area

Answer : Nope wrong again, this sign points out that the government has forgotten to build the rest of the road as they spent the budget getting tricks for the “larger” members of the labour party. By the way your insurance ran out yesterday. Happy Sailing.

Question 3

A police officer waves for you to stop, do you:

a) Stop, wait for further instructions

b) Carry on, they are waving at someone else

c) Wave back

d) Roll down your window and hurl abuse

Answer : Not having much luck are you, in fact the answer was that the police officer is telling you to speed up and swerve drasticly around them causing several accidents, and causing you to drop your joint. Buy another of our £2.99 books from any highstreet retailer.

Fuck it, im getting a moped.